DEL RIO, TX — Vice President and Border Czar Kamala Harris announced this week that the southern border is "completely secure." According to sources, she made the announcement while crowd-surfing on a massive caravan of migrants.

"First of all, I would like to say there is nothing to worry about down here. HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!" said Kamala with her trademark warm laughter. "It's time to do the job we have been doing, which is the job that we will do, and in the present, we are doing, which is to completely secure the border and keep Americans safe, and we are doing a good job, and will do a good job, as we currently are."

VP Harris's laughter then turned into squeals of delight as she surfed the crowd of 320,000 asylum seekers.

The media in turn reported that everything was fine and the border was secure and don't bother checking. "Don't worry, folks! Everything is fine, as our Vice President said," remarked MSNBC host Joe Scarborough.

At publishing time, President Biden had also reported that he had fixed inflation while sliding down a mountain of freshly printed dollar bills.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.