KALAMAZOO, MI — With sheepishness in his voice and a spot of Three-Pepper Sauce™ on his collar, local accountant Zed Filbertson was seen on a call with his credit card company, informing them that yes, regretfully he was actually eating at Arby's for the third time that day.

The credit card company's fraud detection unit expressed skepticism at Filbertson's claim.

"I assure you, I'm sitting in a booth at the 5th South Arby's right now, finishing up my curly fries and pondering my life choices," insisted Mr. Filbertson as he finished up his curly fries and sighed audibly. "I understand how this situation could be flagged as fraudulent, but it is, in fact, very real. *urp*"

As the call ended, Filbertson thanked the customer support rep for suggesting nearby restaurants that offered lighter menu options such as salads. He was then seen exiting the Arby's, hopping in his car, then entering the drive-thru for some curly fries and a Jamocha shake.

At publishing time, Zed Filbertson was overheard arguing with an Amazon.com rep confirming that his 8-quart order of pickled pig's feet was not a mistake.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.